Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Let's get the cat blown out
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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