i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
