So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Actions speak louder than pants.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
