this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."