Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.