In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery