Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration