I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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