I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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