My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So vagazzling was a success
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
