Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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