the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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