the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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