you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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