Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
