Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
the raccoons are back...
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