So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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