Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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