im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
