having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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