I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
