i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
