You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
