Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
