I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
