we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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