dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
