Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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