I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
