I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
