At least make sure they are 18
Why
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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