now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Drunk is a universal language darling
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
