I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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