Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He did a backflip because drugs
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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