I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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