Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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