I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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