All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
