If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
