my phone needs a breathalizer
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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