Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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