I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
