So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
