You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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