I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
