i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
