i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize