Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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