gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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