so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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