If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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