So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
