I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he thought i was a dude.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
