I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
