I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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