I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
