was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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