Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
