Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
being pregnant is like rehab
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
