I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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