Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
