So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
