walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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