never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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