You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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